17 March 2013 01:02 am
alice789: (kicking ass)
"Its not enough that I should succeed - others should fail."
alice789: (loveless)
I ate a spicy hot pepper on a dare and it hurts my stomach.. Waaaaahhhhhh!! I shouldn't have done it! I should have known better! Damn you Cherry! Damn you and your evil fried pepper!

Olive called to tell me that she got engaged while on vacation in Hawaii last week. I'm happy for her. I honestly can't see myself ever getting married - so maybe I'll make her a really awesome couture wedding dress and live vicariously through her.

I had the day off, so I'm spring cleaning, in other words, throwing out / giving away everything that I don't need to survive. I am pleased with this - its a good sort of destruction. Most of my belongings are in boxes and suitcases already, so the mess is a little more controlled.

I have started the next book on my reading list, Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. I'm enjoying it.
alice789: (windy)
Lately I've been seeing a lot of people talk about their sudden desire to admire and respect all others, because all people deserve it. Or about how we all originate from the same cosmic matter and debris.

Here is a picture of me as I am now, at 6am. Au naturel, without makeup or anything.
This is the face of someone who wants to win. But what is it, that I'm competing against?
Just woke up. Good morning!
Its the face of a mother of two, who has been told she's too old to be a model - not what they are looking for. She often wonders why having children makes her less of a woman.
And its the same face she had over 2 decades ago when she was a bouncy 16 year old signing up for Miss Teen America - when she was told she was too short to be a real model. And she wondered even then, how a few inches in height (an uncontrollable factor, at that) could be so important in judging one's worth.

So I can't pose for pictures. So fucking what. How many times in my life have I been told I was beautiful? Enough times for me to believe it.
Who am I proving myself to? Who the hell decided I wasn't qualified to play this game in the first place?
If my eyes meet with another woman on the streets, do I think, "I am prettier than her," or perhaps, "She is really beautiful." I'm a competitive person by nature, I think nearly everyone is. But what is it that I want to win? Do I want admiration and respect? From strangers, from people I'll never meet? From the woman that I just passed on the sidewalk?

Yes, yes, that is what I want. I want the people who know me to see me really shine, to see what I'm truly capable of. I want to revel in the knowledge that those jerks who made fun of me, thought less of me, and said horrible things - that they will eat those words.
I want recognition, for my accomplishments - no matter how trivial and small they may be on a worldwide scale. So I haven't really changed nations, or the way people think. I haven't made many ripples in my little pond. But that doesn't mean I haven't been trying to do just that.

Maybe I'm just competing against myself. Against my surroundings and environment. Like the ancient man, wandering up and down, mind set on survival. Have we really changed so much from that cosmic matter that rained down on our earth so long ago? Do we all think differently, and yet the same?

Maybe someday I'll figure what it is I'm truly trying to win.
alice789: (that was uncalled for)
Watching this made my night.
[pewdiepie plays QWOP]

May 2014


Most Popular Tags

About Me:

New friends and/or lurkers are always welcome. ❤

I grew up in Coronado, California, and the ocean is something I truly miss. I love perfumes, flowers, pastels and muted colours. I love to watch anime, play games, read books, eat sweets, and drink ice cream floats.
Despite liking really girly things, I don't consider myself an exceptionally girly person.
I get a huge boner for Baroque music.

If you have a request or question, send me a message, or comment on any post.


RSS Atom