alice789: (colourful)
2012-05-31 12:57 am
Entry tags:

[sticky entry] Sticky: ❀ Why I am here. Dum Spiro Spero

"They say she has pretensions of a literary nature. Let us hope she finds solace in such things; she'll have little else."

'Never forget me, for I gave you life.' - Nausicaa )
alice789: (blush)
2014-05-25 10:56 pm

Le Rêve Continue

Sometimes I feel like I take a few steps forward only to be knocked back. Perhaps fate or the universe strikes us down on occasion just to put the good in perspective. To make us truly grateful for those peaceful days.
Despite this, I've never been happier. I've also never been so insanely busy. My pretty queenly ambition knows no bounds.
I am the whirlwind.

Everything around me ages. I feel like I am standing still while the flood of time rushes around me.
I stare up at the stars. Goodnight, my love.
I whisper against his neck sometimes, while he is sleeping. He smiles, even when he's not awake. I think he knows how precious he is to me. Its been one year and four months.
alice789: (windy)
2014-01-30 11:52 am

Ça ne me plaît pas.. très mal. LOLZ

I seem to lose track of time, of the days, so very easily now. Its all a blur.
It keeps me sane.

I met the owner at a lion's den rehearsal. Or stumbled into him, rather. The most important person in the entire company and I was wearing a frumpy dusty sweaty jacket. And he smiled at me - a sweet smile. Genuine. He was once a clown. He was a stilt walker and a fire eater.
Cirque was once a troupe of street performers.
I never let go of my dreams. I won't ever give up. I won't back down.

I have love, and I suppose that is all you really need.
My beau - sometimes he tells me that he dreams about me. And I smile for days.
alice789: (frozen)
2013-12-09 10:49 am

When I grow up

I took a career questionnaire in middle school, to give a general idea of work that I might enjoy based on the results.
I'll never ever forget when I read my printout - my two most ideal jobs were LOGGER/LUMBERJACK or TRUCK DRIVER.

At least I have a collection of plaid shirts. Time to start on the rugged manly facial hair.
I'm yellin TIMBER. You better move. You better dance.
alice789: (kicking ass)
2013-11-06 08:36 pm

We'll never be royals

My usual spot is a tiny indie/hipster bar in good ol glitter gultch, downtown Vegas.
I went to highschool just down the street. I know the neighborhoods around there, where I park my piece of shit car and walk. I have friends that still live there, in those little houses surrounded by dirt lots and abandoned buildings that are home to crazy hobos and stray cats.
Don't judge me. )
alice789: (my spoon is too big)
2013-10-04 09:47 pm
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I am an idiot

So I am wardrobe attendant for Disney this weekend.
I had no previous knowledge of the show, costumes, timing or cue tracks.
Tonight during quick change a performer came running into the tent and shouted "Zip!" at me.
I unzipped his pants - when I was supposed to zip up his shirt.

Its pretty funny, now that I think.
alice789: (windy)
2013-09-29 11:07 pm
Entry tags:

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

I feel something so right, doing the wrong thing.

I have great tolerance for the weaknesses and foibles to which all mankind is heir.
To a fault.
We are all only human. Which is why I can smile when I talk about being jilted - and say, I'm happy that we met - that he inspired me to change for the better, and I am grateful.
I'm grateful for what we did have, though it may not have been much.
Which is why I can smile, genuinely.
Thank you, my love. I will make better mistakes tomorrow.

CARPENTER: "The artists HATE the teeterboard, they are demanding that we fix it."
CARPENTER 2: "There's nothing wrong with the damn teeterboard."
ME: "Well, why don't you put it back out there, and JUST SAY THAT YOU FIXED IT."

Wednesday, I worked all day at RSD, took the boys to see Mystère, and then went to the Zumanity 10 year anniversary after party at LIGHT. I danced with most of the cast, which was ridiculous. I got an hour of sleep, woke up and drove to orientation and staff meetings at Aria the next morning.

I was at Bite of Vegas for 16 hours yesterday (working). Cirque was one of the main sponsors, with huge banners on the main stage. They misspelled our name on the website. I had an all access pass so that I could go backstage and bother the artists (OneRepublic mostly). I ate cotton candy. I played on the swings and rode the spinning wheel of death. I got a sunburn too.

A dozen people texted me out of the blue, and I joked that it was surely a sign of the apocalypse.

I clap, I dance, I cheer. I am a bright ray of sunshine.
I am lonely, I am tired, and I will miss you forever.
alice789: (Default)
2013-06-04 12:17 am
Entry tags:

Made myself some hot cocoa. #YOLO #LOL #TOTES #SWAG

So I'm often walking through the casino on the way to work, and tourists/random people are looking at my uniform with the Cirque du Soleil crest, and my badge.
One of the most common questions I get:
"What do you do for Cirque?"
And my most common answer (with a very serious expression):
"I'm a Snake Charmer."

Or earlier today, "So, what do you do in the uhh.. Circus de.. Soil?"
"Hmm? I'm the Bearded Lady."

No, I don't do flips, the splits, climb walls, or fly.
You won't see me in the performance (I wear black so that I DON'T show up). But I work, very very hard.
Sometimes when I get home, I fall asleep sitting up on the couch, and I drool all over myself.

And you know what? I couldn't be happier.
alice789: (Default)
2013-05-15 03:00 pm
Entry tags:

I'm going wild for the night, fuck being polite

"Hey, wanna make out?" "Oh shit, I mean hang out?!" "I uhh.. made this weird, didn't I?"

I don't want to write about professional things. So I won't.

I ran into some old friends from high school while walking around at First Friday.
"This girl here, she's like a vampire or some shit. FUCK. She never fucking ages. What's it been, 15 years? You look EXACTLY the same."
"Nooo.. I changed my hair." (I point to it, to emphasize)
"Seriously, what the fuck. You look the same every time I see you."

Ahhh.. damn, I've been found out. Time to move north, perhaps to Seattle or Forks.
Oh wait, but there's not enough goddamn glitter.

Still doing what I do. Nothing much has changed the last few months.
But I guess that's normal, since I'm an immortal undead creature of the night.

Still a better love story than Twilight.
alice789: (Default)
2013-05-02 09:33 pm
Entry tags:

FOREVER ALON-WUBWUBWUBWUB

My thoughts have been quiet recently. Its the sound of walking on dry leaves. Its kismet.

There's this running joke, that when I'm asked a question, I answer No - especially when its inappropriate.
"What are you drinking?" "No."
"What's your name?" "No."
My friends send me messages like "What are you up to?" and I reply with No. They seem to think its funny.

I'm a private person, so I am also fond of telling preposterous lies.
"What do you do?" "I'm a Princess."
"Where do you live?" "In a castle."

I go out alone sometimes, because I don't want to go home. I have a single drink and sit by the stone fireplace with my legs curled up in front of me.
When the dj starts, I get up and dance alone. I close my eyes and feel the music. It drowns out everything and everyone. Its a small sort of happiness.
I don't talk to anyone if I can help it, unless one of my childhood friends find me. (its happened a few times, its a small world)
It actually really offends me when guys approach me - I'm not there to meet men at a bar. How fucking dare they hit on me. I'm a lot meaner than I look.
I go home alone. I like being alone.
Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.

FOREVER ALONE
LIKE A BOSS
alice789: (windy)
2013-04-10 09:33 am
Entry tags:

Just breathe

I feel like I owe some sort of explanation for vanishing.
If I told you that 2012 was the worst year of my life, that would be an understatement. It was complete and utter shit.
Everything bad that could possibly happen to me - well, it did. I'm not going into details, there's just too much.

I accepted all of this - I'm not weak or fragile. And I set out to make sure this year was different. VERY different. I tried to calmly address all the drama and issues that were leaking over from the previous year. I don't like drama, I do everything I can to avoid it. But it has a way of seeping into the cracks and tripping you when you aren't paying attention.
I've been working hard to change things. And at the same time I was breaking down.
I had a serious moment of reflection this last week.

I just smiled. Its not so bad. I need to take my own advice and just stay positive.
I reacted badly, didn't I? I do that sometimes. I'm fallible and human. Thank you for putting up with me.
I'm grateful for everything in my life. Every moment is precious to me. Nothing is trivial.
Everything that happened - it brought me here, to where I am today, and I wouldn't change a thing.
I love who I am, and what I have. Its all that matters.
alice789: (Default)
2013-04-02 07:18 pm

Taking a break

I think I'll be taking a break from this journal/blog for a bit. For several reasons.

I'll still make public posts about important achievements and such, but I'll keep the entries professional - which will mean few and far between, for now.

Bye bye!
alice789: (Default)
2013-03-22 09:41 pm
Entry tags:
alice789: (what)
2013-03-21 08:57 pm
Entry tags:

Why do you do this to yourself?

Someone said "Are you trying to work yourself to death?"
Yes. Yes I am. I have goals and they are very very important to me.
Now you blithering idiots need to get out of my way. Stop asking if I saw the latest episode of some show - I never ever watch tv anymore, I don't have time. Stop asking if I'm alive - right now, nothing on this earth can kill me unless I want it to. Stop asking if I need to talk - I do not.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so I nodded off at my desk this morning. I rested my head on some papers, pen in one hand, phone in the other. I had the most marvelous dream.
I visited a place that was often reoccurring in my dreams when I was younger. I listened to the waves and the birds and was happy. I wasn't asleep for long, but it was pleasant.
Maybe I should pass out at my desk more often.

And living off of donuts and granola bars and coffee for weeks, I've somehow gotten totally fat. SIGH. I'm gonna go for a run with Katie tonight.
Yeah, the concept of me being fat is stupid. I'm aware of that. Don't hate.
Which reminds me, at work, I find myself around girls that are 10 years younger than me. They talk about the dumbest shit ever. I wonder if I was that goddamn dumb when I was that age. No. No, I was not. Definitely.
alice789: (kicking ass)
2013-03-17 01:02 am

LOL

"Its not enough that I should succeed - others should fail."
alice789: (loveless)
2013-03-15 11:24 pm

"are you shitting my pants?"

"has anyone really been for even as decided to use even go want to do look more like"

Okay... I'm pretty used to drunk messages and typos now, but what the hell is that?
Aside from a few rare cases where I can't even get the gist of a message, I don't even notice mistakes anymore - I read right over them. Everyone is always texting me from phones while driving or eating or taking a piss or something...

I spent my week pawing at vintage white silks, lace, crystals and pearls. I spent my entire Friday night sketching beaded headdresses and satin sashes. Miss Fancy Fancington is bored as hell and has decided she is going the fuck out this weekend and drinking.
alice789: (my spoon is too big)
2013-03-13 02:58 pm
Entry tags:

Noblesse oblige

Today while driving I saw a homeless man begging, pacing the streets at red lights. I've seen him there for several weeks now. I can't read the sign he is holding, and I don't even try.
He smells, he is dirty, and he has a shopping cart of blankets in the nearby parking lot - so he is legitimately a bum.

Today, I gave him a dollar. I waved my hand out the window, and he approached. My light had turned green, and I was inching forward. I held on to the money tightly until he grabbed for it. His hand touched mine, and I nearly let go, but I didn't.
He said, "God bless you."
And I held on, until I had his attention.
I said, "This has absolutely nothing to do with God." And then I let it go. I drove away.

Seriously, get up off your ass and do something. Don't wait for money and happiness to rain down from the skies. Don't wait for a miracle.
alice789: (kicking ass)
2013-03-13 09:27 am

That's what she said.. about you

I returned to work on the FW 2013 collection today. I realize that I need proper fabrics and embellishments for these pieces. I need to plan a trip. I start making lists on sticky notes.

I am filling in the 30th specification sheet for the day when I look up and make a really angry face. I grab my phone and send Ernest a message. "You suck. Call me back, you stupid bitch."
Yes, this is the manner in which I address my dearest friends, coworkers, and business partners. You can ask any of them, they know. I am soft-spoken, but completely belligerent. I'm not sure why or how this came to be. I've been like this, as far back as I can remember.. Hmm..

When I am distracted by meandering thoughts or feel like I'm dwelling too much on some specific memory, I write. I keep a hidden journal, where I vent all that uncertainty and introspection. It doesn't always make sense, but neither does my pattern of thought. A lot of it is esoteric.
As I've been told, I have an artistic temperament. I think sometimes that immense power of observation - it makes too much noise in my head.

5 weeks ago, while on the subject of purposeful recklessness, I said, "I think sometimes, when you hold back - if you don't just go for it - you miss out."
You miss every shot you don't take.
Which is why I am the incomprehensibly persistent ass that I am. Its why I am loyal to a fault. And why if I fall short or fail, I get back up and try again. And again.
alice789: (that was uncalled for)
2013-03-12 09:37 am
Entry tags:

Loaded on wrong

I finished reading Choke. Its a man's manly version of trashy romance - and I mean trashy.
I was thoroughly disgusted, but that was the point. I liked it.
"torture is torture and humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer."

My TO DO list for the week includes:
[] STUPID FAT ASS - STOP EATING SWEETS
[] DO SOME FUCKING SQUATS OR SOMETHING, YOU ARE TOO FAT
[] GET ANOTHER JOB
[] GET A FEW JOBS
[] WORK UNTIL DEAD
[] GIVE DOG A BATH
[] BANK
[] POST OFFICE
[] GROCERY STORE

Someone had once said to me, "I like the way your pride keeps you from blaming others."
I was never sure if that was a criticism or compliment, a fault or virtue.
alice789: (windy)
2013-03-10 08:52 pm
Entry tags:

LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKS I GIVE

Me
This is me, most days.

We do the dance right. We have got it made like ice cream topped with honey. But we got no money.
alice789: (loveless)
2013-03-09 03:38 pm
Entry tags:

The chemicals displaced

Recently, I stay logged into messenger on Facebook all day everyday. I hardly ever chat with anyone on there. I just like to watch everyone else log in and out. I watch people come and go. I can see when is the last time they were active on FB. And the ticker shows me what they do.
Kinda like people watching, only way more passive and way more creepy.

* grins *